


Captain Jack Harkness Has A Totally Awesome Orgy

by revenblue



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Implied Sexual Content, May Contain Traces of Nuts, Multi, POV Third Person Omniscient
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 02:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8827003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: ...And everyone's invited. Everyone.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2013. Well... I wrote what I thought was most of it, then abandoned it for three and a half years, then came back and decided it was complete enough as is.

It all started because Ianto Jones wanted a threesome. (And had no idea who the third person would/could/should be.)

Jack couldn't resist the challenge (especially once he decided to invite everyone, under the assumption 'the more the merrier'). And so he started making phone calls.

Most of the phone calls featured the phrase "I'm coming" in them, and Ianto did _not_ want to know the details.

 

It took three days before Jack had finished with the phone.

Ianto was worried. Very worried.

 

\---

 

**One week later...**

Everything was ready. A location had been organised, as had a clean-up crew.

All that was needed now was the guests.

 

\---

 

First to arrive was none other than the Doctor, in a bowtie and tweed jacket. He had brought along a lady friend, one River Song. Jack waved them inside, grinning.

 

Then John Watson turned up, dragging a tall man who was none other than Sherlock Holmes. For some reason, they were handcuffed together. (Not for _that_ , you dirty-minded Reader.)

 

A short melody filled the air as Link and Tatl the fairy appeared. He lowered the Ocarina, looking around him in shock. "This isn't Clock Town," he said, frowning.

"Thank you Captain Obvious," Tatl sighed.

 

"Hi, Jack," Mikuru Asahina said cheerfully as she arrived, the rest of the SOS Brigade in tow. And some honorary members, such as Tsuruya and Sasaki.

"If it isn't Mikuru-chan," Jack replied. "And her lovely friends."

Said friends found themselves all blushing. Even Kyon.

Especially Kyon.

 

Next, a girl: Trope-tan. Her blue hair was in an unusual style, she had goggles that may or may not see through time, and her clothes looked like she'd found them at a rummage sale. Not that she'd need her clothes.

And she brought her sisters: Mysterious Waif-tan, Black Magician Girl-tan and Cute Bruiser-tan.

 

Another guest arrived: the Doctor, in a leather jacket, and his companion Rose Tyler.

 

And then two more Doctors, each with a pair of Ponds. Amy and Amy started flirting with each other while their husbands watched. When questioned, the two Rorys said it was "Absolutely No Problem At All".

 

Then a darkified Zee-Tee turned up, his girlfriend Princess Nehema following behind him.

 

A large number of Silence arrived, went in, and were promptly forgotten.

Followed by their friend and cousin, Slender Man. Who was not forgotten.

 

Then the Winchester brothers ran in, and were flirted with. Followed by a monster, who was flirted with.

 

And then the competitors of every Survivor ever arrived.

 

Cytosine and Guanine would have turned up, but they fell in love and were busy on their fourth date. Thymine and Adenine had no such problems. They were just reprimanded for starting early.

 

Pinky and the Brain were the next arrivals. They'd decided to take a break from trying to take over the world, and do something they _didn't_ do every night: each other.

 

Then Harry Potter turned up, with a groinsaw.

And another Harry, known as Vampire for some bizzare reason. With Draco and ~~Ebony~~ Enoby.

And a third Harry, dragged along by his wife. Ginny wanted to, er, 'get to know' the great Captain Jack Harkness. And Harry couldn't be trusted alone by himself. Too many evil plans had been thwarted by a bored Harry.

 

Of course, Ron and Hermione couldn't let their friends have all the fun, so they turned up too.

 

Next: the Great and Powerful Trixie... and a pine cone.

 

And then, a super-Saiyan H- no, that's too far.

 

The next group to arrive was the entire cast of Super Smash Bros., past, present and ~~future~~ the other past game. Yes, there were three of Mario. All of whom were protective of their respective Princess Peach.

Jack was _very_ flirtatious towards Master Hand. (There was precedent.)

 

Ash Ketchum turned up with his friends, his Pokémon, and Pikachu (who was both).

Red turned up with Green, Blue, Yellow, Gold, Silver, Kris, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Dia, Pearl, Platina, Black and White. And their Pokémon.

Then another Red arrived, with a Pokédex worth of Pokémon. Yes, all 649 of them.

"This isn't a competition, Red," Ash complained. "Either of you."

Then MissingNo. turned up, because it felt left out.

 

Then a large number of buses arrived, carrying the Volturi.

Followed by a small number of fast cars, carrying the Cullens.

Followed by a pack of ~~werewolves~~ wolf shapeshifters.

 

Next: every Disney character ever, led by a kid with a giant key. Oh, and key-kid's friends. And enemies. And acquaintances.

 

" **OBJECTION!** " Phoenix Wright yelled. "Why are you here?"

" **OBJECTION!** " Miles Edgeworth yelled in return. "I could ask you the same thing."

"Hello," Jack said flirtatiously. (a.k.a. the way he normally says 'hello'.)

"Uh, hi," Phoenix replied, feeling awkward.

"Just head on in," Jack added.

 

Next to arrive was Indiana Jones and his theme song.

 

And then the Care Bears, who cared for each other very much. (So much that they were attempting to start early.)

Of course, Jack broke them up. Temporarily.

 

The Mane Six arrived: Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie.

Then the Other Mane Six arrived: Doctor Whooves, DJ Pon3, Derpy Hooves, Bon Bon, Lyra, and Octavia.

Then the Mane Six as Star Wars characters, for some strange reason that has nothing to do with anything the author has ever seen or read.

Oh, and Princess Celestia and Princess Luna came too. (Pun not intended... yet.)

 

Next: Commander Shepard and his crew.

Then another Commander Shepard and her crew.

Then Master Chief, who felt like being different.

 

Then Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, turned up, and killed all the sparklies.

Or at least tried to. Jack stopped him.

 

The next guest was an eggplantified Dalek who ate floorboards, and a few bright green ninja cows.

Followed by the entire population of Cow Level.

 

The Kid arrived, jumping over pits and spikes that had suddenly appeared. He passed too close to a tree and got squished by what looked like an apple.

The Kid arrived again, having respawned. He jumped over all the obstacles again, dodged the apple, tried to jump over using some handy platforms, and got squished by a ~~n apple~~ giant cherry that decided, against all the laws of gravity, to fall up.

The Kid respawned again, followed the same path as last time (bar the last part), dodged the ~~giant cherry~~ Delicious Fruit, and ran for the safety of Captain Jack Harkness, who got squished by a Delicious Fruit falling horizontally. Jack survived.

 

Small earthquakes shook the area as Cthulhu rose from the depths of the ocean and strode towards Jack.

"Good to see you," Jack said. "Ready for round two?"

Cthulhu nodded, and entered the building.

 

A magic carpet touched down in front of the building, and the Royal Family of Xanth disembarked. As well as the Good Magician and his wife of the month (plus the other four-and-a-half wives), the Zombie Master and his family, and the Demon X(A/N)th. Oh, and the demoness Metria, who couldn't be kept away from _anything_.

 

Blocks started falling from the sky. The first one to land, L-Block, turned to Jack. "I hope we aren't late," he apologised.

"Of course not," Jack said. "It's still daylight."

 

Next: every single named character from every single Final Fantasy. Except Aerith, because she's dead.

 

"I can has cheezburger?" a cat asked.

Another cat watched from the (non-existent) ceiling.

A third was so tall it needed binoculars to see the ground.

Another one exploded.

A fifth one turned into a Creeper, _then_ exploded.

 

Pingu arrived, for some unexplained reason. (Bye-bye, innocent childhood memories!)

As did Blue from Blue's Clues, and all her friends, like Steve.

And the Teletubbies, followed by a fanboy: the Master.

The Master saw the _four_ TARDISes parked, and ran inside to confront his foe(s).

 

The Alliance and the Horde of Azeroth arrived.

Fortunately, they'd declared a One Night Truce. (Which effectively let them have a One Night Stand.)

 

Next to arrive was the entire White Court of Vampires, led by Lara Raith. Followed by the entire White Council of Wizards, led by the Merlin. They'd put the same provisions in place as the Horde and Alliance.

 

"Welcome to Candy Mountain, Charlie," a pink unicorn said.

"Candy Mountain," a blue unicorn repeated.

"Hello," Jack said.

Charlie the Unicorn ran away screaming.

 

"What did I tell you about touching anything made by Bloody Stupid Johnson?" Archchancellor Ridcully said.

"Never ever do it," a younger, unnamed wizard mumbled.

"And now you've sent us to... wherever this is!"

"Sorry, Archchancellor. Never going to do it again."

Jack greeted them and waved them inside.

"Where are we?"

 

A green blur (that may or may not have been a rabbit of some sort) sped through the door, followed by a red blur.

"Well, they're enthusiastic," Ianto commented.

 

Next, the majority of the population of the Pridelands, all singing 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight'.

"You _will_ ," Jack grinned.

 

Everyone with a connection to Sburb or Sgrub in some form arrived. Except Lord English, who was already there.

 

Another TARDIS materialised, bearing the Doctor (of course) in an eyeball-searing colourful coat. And Mel, whose screams would be for a different reason (compared to normal).

 

Mary Poppins flew in on her umbrella. Her intentions towards the event changed as soon as Jack said hello.

She went inside the miraculously-not-full-by-now building.

 

Speaking of umbrellas, the staff of the Umbrella Corporation crashed in through the roof.

Ianto sighed. "You're going to have to pay for that, you know," he commented.

 

Maya Fey turned up, because she didn't want to let Phoenix have all the fun.

She was nomming on a burger she'd bought on her way there.

 

Schrodinger's cat arrived. And it stayed home to watch the latest episode of its favourite TV show.

 

Next to arrive was Steve? and his friends the tamed wolf and zombie pigmen.

 

A flash of light heralded Doomguy's arrival via teleporter.

 

Ezio jumped out of a haystack and stealthily walked inside.

 

Next was a very large group of adventurers, including a warrior, a barbarian, a sorceror, a sorceress, multiple rogue archers, an amazon, an assassin (no connection to Ezio), a necromancer, a paladin, a werebear, a small army of skeletons, a pack of wolves, five ravens, a giant worm thing, a valkyrie, a golem, a demon hunter, a monk, some Iron Wolves (no relation to actual wolves) and a palace guard. They all came through a blue portal.

And Deckard Cain. Who wanted everyone to, and I quote, "Stay a while and listen."

 

Another blue portal opened, this time in the wall. Through it walked a girl in an orange jumppsuit, carrying a strange-looking gun with a potato attached to it, and a large cube with a heart on it.

 

The entire Pokémon League(s) was next. And Teams: Rocket, Aqua, Magma, Galactic, Plasma, Cipher. And Youngster Joey.

 

A dark shadow jumped from the roof, followed by a not-so-dark one.

 

Then every single parked TARDIS dematerialised. Sexy didn't want to be left out.

 

Many others arrived; some big, some small, some both, some in between, some other.

But they were all there for a fun time.

 

Last but not least, a kitchen sink arrived.

 

"Is that everyone?" Ianto asked.

Jack nodded. "Come on." And he led his boyfriend to the waiting soon-to-be-orgy.

 

\---

 

One last guest arrived: The Watcher.

He didn't care that he was late. He didn't want to get involved, anyway.

He silently stalked inside, and found a convenient balcony where he could indulge his voyeuristic tendencies.

His eyes widened and he tilted his head as his gaze fell on some beings in the middle of some... _esoteric_ act.

And there was more where that came from.

He almost died of ecstasy.

 

\---

 

**The next morning...**

"Let's do this again some time," some (okay, most) of the guests said as they left.

The majority of the guests left with someone else that they may or may not have known beforehand (but knew _very_ well now).

And when they all got home, only one or two did _not_ pass out/try for a rerun/fall asleep within the first five minutes.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so, so sorry  
> (I'm not sorry)


End file.
